How To: Enjoy a Long Weekend in Texas

Step 1 – Meet old friend at baggage claim and awkwardly skip-run into each other’s arms. 

Step 2 – Use two different phones and absolutely no knowledge of Dallas to get lost for hours, venturing onto toll roads, back roads and m****rf*****g commerce way, until finally finding and touring Dealy Plaza. 


Step 3 – Stay in a fancy hotel for the night, planning to drink numerous a’Rita’s from the gas station, only to stay up late talking and fall asleep mid sentence. 

Step 4 – Enjoy continental breakfast, steal everything they won’t charge you for from the room. 

Step 5 – Go to friend’s house in Wichita Falls, see improve show, get drunk and talk about politics after being called a yankee and responding “my state wasn’t involved in that war…”

Step 6 – Go to friends hometown, meet her hilarious friends, go to lake to cool off and drink all the drinks. 


Step 7 – Wake up the next morning wondering why you are still wearing a swimsuit, why the words ‘crown royale’ make you nauseous, and where your toothbrush is. 

Step 8 – Go kayaking hungover. For five hours!

Step 9 – Drive a car for the first time in two years but just briefly. Feel 15 again and decide driving is still not for you. 

Step 10 – Go back to Wichita Falls, take a Benadryl because you are insanely allergic to Texas and konk out for the whole ride. 

Step 11 – Go hiking in Oklahoma on this trail, oh wait is that a snake, never mind, this trail nope that’s a snake, no, this trail, no snakes, awesome, wait where’s the trail?


Step 12 – Head back to Dallas for the flight home but magically find extra time and a Buccee’s. Buy tourist-y goods and delicious salsa. 

Step 13 – Say goodbye, promise to come back soon, know you will. 


Best of luck.

Dos and Don’ts of Flying

Do Know the Rules and Regs

I know it’s a lot, but TSA has a website and every airport has information centers you can call. You need to know if your bag will fit. You need to be prepared for security. Do your homework.*

Don’t take over the armrest

If the thing you are doing requires you to enter my personal space, ask yourself how necessary it is. If it is extremely necessary, make it happen fast and apologize for elbowing me in the ribs (lookin at you lady-from-yesterday’s-flight).

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Do pack snacks. 

One time I bought an orange juice at an airport Starbucks and it was $8.

Eight. What.

Airports are like theme parks except airports allow you to bring food in so, get you some snacks before you get to the airport and save a dime. Or eight dollars.

Eight!

Don’t shame a parent because their child is crying. 

I don’t like screaming children, you don’t like screaming children, their parents don’t like it either. But there is nothing they can do so, buck up buttercup, life is hard and the babies feel it all.

Do pack water. 

An empty water bottle is allowed through TSA and can be easily filled at a water fountain past security. Planes are dry and flying does weird stuff to your body so hydrate.

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Don’t play your sh*t out loud

This is a rule for life I think. If you are in a public space and you’re watching videos or listening to music, use headphones. Because, are you kidding me, don’t be a d*ckhead.

Best of luck

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*If you haven’t already researched it, look up ID requirements for 2018 flights. The laws are changing and certain state licenses won’t be accepted.

Dos and Don'ts of Flying (1)

A Dream Housewarming

You know what time it is? Almost that lovely time of year when, what I’m told is the largest number of New Yorkers for the year, will spend an insanely stressful 2-4 weeks sending countless emails and dialing countless strangers in order to find an apartment. It’s brutal, it’s dumb, and it’s the biggest sh*tshow I’ve ever seen, but hopefully this will be our last.

As a coping mechanism, I’ve been gathering a collection of my favorite housewares to help me think ahead to the fun part of moving in: decorating.

Here are some of my favorites*.

Art

Jurassic Bloom Print //// Let’s Go Print //// Mountain Mist Print

 

Kitchen

Cuisinart Immersion Blender //// Bamboo Dish Rack //// Metal Trivet //// Granite Top Cart

OXO Salad Spinner //// Hamilton Beach Ice Cream Maker

 

Dining

Arkita Flatware Set //// Imana Stoneware Set ///// Copper Wine Rack //// Porcelain Mugs

 

Adorable Decor (Adecorable…?)

Hexagonal Planters //// Modern Throw Pillow //// Wall Planter Set //// Jewelry Stand

 

* These are all conveniently located in my *cough* Amazon wishlist *cough*

A Dream Housewarming

Offered without Commentary: Things I Googled

How many bras should I own?

How many bras should I really own?

Excuses for…

What’s the word for when a word sounds like the thing it’s imitating?

Is (enter business or person) legit, tho?

(Phone number calling me that I don’t want to pick up)

When were condoms invented?

When did people really start using condoms?

What percentage of people use condoms?

Free stuff

How to figure out my phone number

New York rental agencies that don’t suck

How do I teach?

How do I teach theeesssseeee kiiiiiiidssss??

What’s the yellow food with skin?

Why is chrome the worst for mac?

Why is chrome the worst?

WHY CHROME?

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5 Reasons I Want to Break Up with the Subway

1. He is always late, or running on his own made-up schedule

I get there ten minutes early everyday just in case he’s early and somehow I still miss him and have to wait another 20 minutes, only to find out he’s not coming at all and I’ll have to hang out with his local friend who walks slow and needs to stop every 8 blocks.

2. He never tells me what’s actually wrong

It’s always “there has been an incident at 14th street” with this one. Just tell me what I said that upset you, no need to leave cryptic messages and then sit for way too long pouting at 96th St.

3. He robs me blind every month

This jerk takes money from me every month, promises to put it into making our life together better and then blows it on whatever he wants. There’s no way I’m giving him that much money and he can’t afford new trains…he’s taking my money to the tracks I know it…

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4. There are times when I would rather walk five miles than see him

Too often I’d rather go way out of my way than have to deal with his malarky. Sometimes I just don’t go out because it would take too much out of me to see him again.

5. He thinks he’s so underground

Rats and inexplicable dampness don’t make you cool, treating others with respect makes you cool. That was of course a reference to this video because I’m a nerd.

5 Reasons I Want to Break Up with the Subway