This summer I bought a bikini. It happened.
To christen this hallowed occasion, I’d like to share my thoughts from the dressing room as I put on the first bikini I’d worn since age five*:
Things that are wrong with my body:
Upper Arm Jiggle
Uneven Skin Tone
Ever Reappearing Lady Beard
Right Eyebrow Higher than Left
Left Calve Larger than Right
Surgery Scars on Stomach
Wait wait wait wait. Wait. Just wait…Calm down…
Things That Are Perfect About My Body:
Suck It, World!
*Actually a solid story: apparently my parents and grandmother and I were camping and I was throwing an epic
bitch-fit about swimming. I didn’t have a swimsuit so my parents calmly tried to explain, to no avail, that I couldn’t go swimming this time. My grandmother, having raised five boys, rode out the yelling while calmly crocheting a tiny bikini which she then dressed me in and watched me swim. Casual.