Sentimental Saturday: Relationship Fear

I’m going to be honest with you, I didn’t want to write this post. I google searched a million other blog post ideas until I got down to “what the hell do I write on my blog today, google?” and google responded “girl, I don’t know your life.”

Why is this so difficult? It’s too real, I’m not detached enough from it yet. However, I truly believe that while some things need time to process properly before you talk about them, others need to be processed along the way or they will eat you alive. That said, this:

In January I’m moving to New York and I am shaking in my boots.

I’m moving to a very big city I’ve only been to a couple of times. I’m going back to school, something I haven’t been a part of in almost six years. I’m starting a program and career path that I’m still floored I was even accepted into. More than anything though, I don’t have a plan for what’s going to happen with Boyfriend and I.

I’ve told y’all about lovely, lovely Boyfriend before; he is a unicorn of a human being that I am beyond fortunate to have in my life. When I got a mouth guard for my sleep grinding, he stayed up with me making up funny phrases for me to say with a lisp. When I panic in the car in the rain and traffic, he drives and distracts me simultaneously.

He has an amazing ability to make me laugh even in my darkest moments while still allowing me to be whatever sadness or anger I need to be. He doesn’t get freaked out when all I want to do is sit in the comfy chair, write in journal, listen to Lana del Rey and cry.

I told you, he’s a unicorn.

Imagining my life without him actually hurts. I oscillate between total fear that I’m going to lose him, telling myself everything will be ok and raging at myself for letting anyone this far into my heart. But in the end, I love him. Damn it.

My leaving has never been a secret. Boyfriend was there through the entire application process. I told him I loved him for the first time seconds before opening my acceptance letter. I deferred my admittance partially because I wanted us to have more time together before being thrust into this turbulence. None of this is a surprise and somehow that doesn’t make anything easier.

This week I’ve been doing a lot of planning for school, particularly trying to find a place to live. At first it was exciting, but it’s scarier than I’d imagined. I know we’re not going to break up, we will find a way. But that brings little comfort when I’m looking at a map of a country that separates Seattle and New York.

Not knowing what the future brings in my career and my education is a lot to handle. Not knowing what the future of Boyfriend and I brings is heart wrenching. For now I suppose I’ll keep that little voice in my mind telling me it’ll be ok well mic’d. For now I’ll focus on the joy that is my life with Boyfriend. For now we can try to figure out a plan and be ready to abandon it. And that’s about all there is for now.

What about all of you, friends? Have you endured long distance, career changes, or other relationship stressors?

Best of luck.


4 thoughts on “Sentimental Saturday: Relationship Fear

  1. What an honest post! I think lots of young adults have to cope with this same thing. I know lots of my friends have. If he’s your unicorn, you will find a way to make it work. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Absolutely, I definitely think it’s a common issue. Just the amount of career change and education opportunities within modern relationships is drastically different from my parents’ generation. Thanks for the support, I appreciate it!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Fiancé and I have endured a total of three months apart in nearly two years. And that time was a struggle. I wish you luck and strength – because you will need it all. But above all, honestly, you are already all the strength you’ll ever need. This is good for you in your growth and if he’s not too far into something himself, maybe he’ll take a break from his personal journey in a bit to join you. A little take here, a little give there. One step at a time. Keep yourself occupied, minimize cell phone time so you’re not obsessing over it, make designated boyfriend time, right there next to study time. Having activities together will help too, so you aren’t just skyping about how much you miss each other. Good luck finding your way little duck. And if you’re leaving we definitely need to hang out!! 🙂


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