I’m going to be honest with you, I didn’t want to write this post. I google searched a million other blog post ideas until I got down to “what the hell do I write on my blog today, google?” and google responded “girl, I don’t know your life.”
Why is this so difficult? It’s too real, I’m not detached enough from it yet. However, I truly believe that while some things need time to process properly before you talk about them, others need to be processed along the way or they will eat you alive. That said, this:
In January I’m moving to New York and I am shaking in my boots.
I’m moving to a very big city I’ve only been to a couple of times. I’m going back to school, something I haven’t been a part of in almost six years. I’m starting a program and career path that I’m still floored I was even accepted into. More than anything though, I don’t have a plan for what’s going to happen with Boyfriend and I.
I’ve told y’all about lovely, lovely Boyfriend before; he is a unicorn of a human being that I am beyond fortunate to have in my life. When I got a mouth guard for my sleep grinding, he stayed up with me making up funny phrases for me to say with a lisp. When I panic in the car in the rain and traffic, he drives and distracts me simultaneously.
He has an amazing ability to make me laugh even in my darkest moments while still allowing me to be whatever sadness or anger I need to be. He doesn’t get freaked out when all I want to do is sit in the comfy chair, write in journal, listen to Lana del Rey and cry.
I told you, he’s a unicorn.
Imagining my life without him actually hurts. I oscillate between total fear that I’m going to lose him, telling myself everything will be ok and raging at myself for letting anyone this far into my heart. But in the end, I love him. Damn it.
My leaving has never been a secret. Boyfriend was there through the entire application process. I told him I loved him for the first time seconds before opening my acceptance letter. I deferred my admittance partially because I wanted us to have more time together before being thrust into this turbulence. None of this is a surprise and somehow that doesn’t make anything easier.
This week I’ve been doing a lot of planning for school, particularly trying to find a place to live. At first it was exciting, but it’s scarier than I’d imagined. I know we’re not going to break up, we will find a way. But that brings little comfort when I’m looking at a map of a country that separates Seattle and New York.
Not knowing what the future brings in my career and my education is a lot to handle. Not knowing what the future of Boyfriend and I brings is heart wrenching. For now I suppose I’ll keep that little voice in my mind telling me it’ll be ok well mic’d. For now I’ll focus on the joy that is my life with Boyfriend. For now we can try to figure out a plan and be ready to abandon it. And that’s about all there is for now.
What about all of you, friends? Have you endured long distance, career changes, or other relationship stressors?
Best of luck.