Recently Boyfriend and I had a very long talk in which we shared secrets.
I can honestly say I tell him everything, from anxiety to excitement to worry to happy dance time. From weird mood to weird bowel movement, we don’t keep many secrets. But there were a few small secrets from before our time that until our long talk, I’d held on to.
Now I’m not going to tell you what they are because they’re still secrets, and also because shut up, I’m totally not going to tell you, oh my gosh, stoooop.
The point of this story is that telling secrets can be beautiful. It can move a relationship forward and build trust. It can bond you closer than ever before. I knew all of this, it’s why I decided to share.
What I didn’t realize is that that closeness, that bond, that truth between two people can also make a previously commitment-phobic, runaway girl feel all sorts of sudden panic.
It took me a little while to process what was happening to me. This was a persistent ache, shivers running up my spine and a headache of cloudy dread. I honestly thought for a while that I was getting sick, but it’s wasn’t some winter illness. No cold. No flu. This was vulnerability.
For years everything I am; good, bad, and ugly (soulful, silly, strange), has belonged to me. I owned my heart. As it turns out, allowing another human in there can hurt. It’s absolutely terrifying when you least expect it to be. It can be crushing and anxious and feel so wrong.
And still I wouldn’t give Boyfriend up for anything.
Because my heart is no longer this clean, pristine thing that I can carry around in a safe; I’ve given parts of it to Boyfriend, for him to hold and I know that he’ll care for it. Still it feels like handing off your newborn; the panic is natural, and something to be overcome.
So I’ll remain vulnerable, I’ll continue to give little bits of my heart to Boyfriend and hold on to bits of his.
Best of luck.
This last gif has nothing to do with this post but I thought it might be a good day brightener. I’ll just leave this here…