Life is stressful these days – I’m fully immersed in a big old pool of grad school, which
often sometimes feels like drowning, while preparing for my first year of teaching in a New York City public school.
I’m fine. Everything’s fine.*
In my time here, I’ve met some amazing humans, a few of whom are responsible for my ability to get through all of this madness. I love and respect them so very much.
I’ve been trying to improve my listening skills for the last few years because, well, listening is really important and a huge part of knowing someone deeply. I’m practicing this because I want to get better, because I love my friends and want to hear them.
Trouble is, sometimes hearing everything creates a battle between being a good friend and anxiety.
An example: there’s this paper due at the end of the month for a class I’m taking and it’s a doozy. I won’t get into the details but the issue is that it’s very involved and no one really seems to be clear on the topic, the expectations, or the process. We’re all shooting in the dark, we’re all nervous wrecks.
So we talk about it. A lot. Sometimes I’m really upset and nervous and emotional about it and sometimes I’m not. When I’m not feeling negatively about it, negative talk around me brings me down. So it’s a cycle of panic that none of us can seem to escape.
Some of my pals got an extension but I chose to turn my paper in on time; I’ll get my grade next week and I’m scared. Every time the paper comes up, I think about what happens if I messed up. What happens if I failed? It’s not a useful thought. So the conversation comes up and I get anxious about something that has yet to happen, something that might not happen.
So the answer is to stop engaging in the conversation, right? Well, remember that ‘being a good listener’ thing…?
I want to be a good friend but I also can’t hear another damn thing about this paper while my fate hangs in the air. And how do I even express that without hurting the people I love?
“Oh hey guys can you shut the hell up because I’m avoiding my feelings?”
This is a post without an answer. I don’t know what to do or what I will do. I don’t know what you should do if you’re in a similar situation.
Best of luck.
*But don’t you dare tell me things are only get harder from here because I will
cut yell at you.