With the end of summer, traveling, and the start of school, I’ve been away for a while. As always, I’ve spent some time thinking of the best, big idea to return to the blog on, but then something real and difficult and frustrating happened and all of my good ideas flew out the window. So I thought why don’t I write about the real, difficult, frustrating thing because it’s probably more interesting anyway.
I’ve talked about my anxiety disorder before here and I’m pretty open about it in general. I straight up don’t have time for people who get weird about mental health anymore, I’m too busy dealing with my mental health.
Saturday, my birthday, was a rough anxiety day. It was a reminder that anxiety isn’t just panic attacks, sometimes it’s nondirectional crying mixed with apathy into a total inability to get out of bed. Because I tend toward nervousness and panic, I forget about this side of it, the debilitating side.
We are such a go-go-go culture and I am such a goal oriented person, that Saturday (along with all of the similar days before it) took a real shame-toll. I laid in bed and berated myself, told myself I couldn’t do anything, that I would never be better no matter how hard I worked. I needed to run ten miles, my last long training run before the half marathon and all I could tell myself was I couldn’t do it.
About four hours in, I got out of bed, I put on my running clothes, I washed my face and brushed my teeth and I ran ten miles. All of this happened because of years of therapy. It happened because of the circle of support I’ve found in my partner and my friends. It happened because of the journaling and confronting and meditation that I didn’t want to do but did anyway. It happened because of all the times before this that it didn’t happen. This time I got up.
Why am I telling you all of this? Because I’m proud of myself? Sure. Because it was a milestone both in my mental and physical abilities? Yeah. But mostly it’s because I know there are so many people out there who haven’t been able to get up yet and I hope that even one is reading this.
If you are there right now, in that dark place, know that it’s ok if you can’t get up and it’s ok if you can. That there is no failure in any day you can get through. You are not a failure.
So, with that, I’m back. I’m a little bit of a mess, but I’m back.
Best of luck.
** Please feel free to leave stories of all sorts, encouragement for others, or anything else in the comments and if you need a chat, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org**