Clothing Sizes are Not Your Friend

Last weekend I took decided to be brave and go on a hunt for new pants. This might seem silly to some, but pants are hard for me. My big (but not big enough) hips and butt, my belly squish and my big (strong, gorgeous) thighs mean that I don’t easily fit most of the pants on the rack. 

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When I was younger and many sizes larger I thought it was because I was just “too big” overall. Choices were limited. But as I’ve shrunk over the years I’ve found that pants are just a b*tch in general. 

My biggest issue is that if I can find jeans that fit my legs, they’re way too big in the waist. If I can manage to squeeze my legs into pants that fit in the waist, the legs end up being so tight they pull the waist and stretch the pants. Either way same uncomfortable problem. 

Anyway, lately I’ve noticed that my pants are a little big and decided to buy some new ones. Unsure whether it was due to two years of stretching fabric and I was still a 12 or if I’d actually lost weight and was something smaller, I went in unsure of my size. 

Naturally I went to the jeans wall in target and got ten pairs of jeans in three different fits and four different sizes. At one point I put on a 12 that was a tiny bit too big and then a 6 that was too short but otherwise almost right. Yeah a 12 and then a 6. Same brand. 

What the hell?

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I could go on and on about how the numeric sizing in women’s clothing doesn’t even make sense and men’s clothing going by measurements if much more useful, but that’s a post for another day. My issue is that, if I can manage to not let a number define my body and if I can avoid the media barrage of impossible bodies, I’m still confronted with total confusion in the dressing room. I’ve grown a serious garden of love flowers to cushion my body but I can only take so much of this bull honkey. 

Eventually I went into a random store in the mall and bought a 29…This number sounded like men’s sizing but unless I’m measuring myself incorrectly, that’s not true. 

So, I ended up buying pants and I like them but bro, what the hell? The fashion industry has got to be stopped with the confusing numbers and the ridiculous sizing. 

Oh and then I went back to the same store a week later to get another pair of the exact same pants and ended up needing a 27…what?

Have any of you had a similar experience or is it just me and my “weird” body over here? Let me know in the comments and, as always, best of luck.

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25 Year Old High School Students

A couple of weeks ago, Boyfriend and I stayed in and watched Jumanji. I haven’t seen that movie in at least 15 years and expected that it might now, well, suck. I was wrong.

That movie holds up for a number of reasons, the use of suspense without huge effects, the score, the plot consistency, the emotional connection, but I’m not talking about all that. I bring the movie up because it did one thing really well that you just don’t see now: it cast real kids as kids.

The 12 year old is actually 12. Alan and Sarah are awkward heights because they hit different growth spurts. They wear appropriate and realistic clothes. The girls are wearing little to no make up, they’re eyebrows are wild. They look like kids.

I remember watching shows and movies growing up like Boy Meets World that looked like they featured appropriate ages. I didn’t get a complex on my body and hair and make up and everything else until I started focusing on adults. And even then I knew I wasn’t an adult, I wasn’t supposed to look like that.

Brace yourself, I’m about the sound like an old lady:

Kids these days watch made over, dressed up twenty somethings pretend to be teens and must feel some real pressure to look like…grown ups.

I don’t have a solution, I just kind of think it sucks.

Anyway, Best of luck!

A ‘Kini Body

This summer I bought a bikini. It happened.

To christen this hallowed occasion, I’d like to share my thoughts from the dressing room as I put on the first bikini I’d worn since age five*:

Things that are wrong with my body:

Belly Fat
Thunder Thighs
Stretch Marks
Thin Hair
Upper Arm Jiggle
Uneven Skin Tone
Ever Reappearing Lady Beard
Right Eyebrow Higher than Left
Bunions
Gigantic Feet
Left Calve Larger than Right
Hairy Arms
Hooky-Downy Nose
Surgery Scars on Stomach

Wait wait wait wait. Wait. Just wait…Calm down…

Things That Are Perfect About My Body:

It’s Mine
It’s Beautiful
Suck It, World!

*Actually a solid story: apparently my parents and grandmother and I were camping and I was throwing an epic bitch-fit about swimming. I didn’t have a swimsuit so my parents calmly tried to explain, to no avail, that I couldn’t go swimming this time. My grandmother, having raised five boys, rode out the yelling while calmly crocheting a tiny bikini which she then dressed me in and watched me swim. Casual.